Hi.
Coffee: Cafe Pajaro Extra Dark, Trader Joe’s Brand
There were rumors of snow on the forecast but we only got rain. C’est la vie.
A cold day. I woke up by knocking over the glass of water on my nightstand. It landed on the carpet and soaked an old laptop, thankfully one I’ve backed up most everything I need from. I haven’t yet turned the thing on to see if it still works. I don’t know that I need to. Let the old dog sleep.
I’ve felt a change in myself lately. It’s surprised me, but it’s also safe to say the change was pre-meditated. After so much banging against this or that wall, I knew I had to throw a wrench in what I’d been doing. Most of my life has been one high speed chase toward complex, specific, largely unattainable goals.
For the past few weeks – since the start of December – I’ve been spending weekends looking out the dining room window. I don’t watch the clock and I’m careful not to stay in my room. I have a book to read and my laptop for when I feel like writing and I plug my phone into the speakers so that I can’t touch it. I listen to music. I drink coffee and barley tea.
It was hard at first. Empty time, and me with a bucket full of stresses to fill it up. But I’ve gotten better at the habit and I think it’s seeped in. It’s not just the weekends anymore. I don’t feel as much pressure to board the next plane and arrive somewhere. That’s not to say I’m not working – hell, I’m putting in more hours professionally and with writing than I have at any point prior – but i feel more relaxed while I’m doing it.
This is starting to sound like one of those new-agey posts. Stressless moments and mental peace aren’t options for everyone. When you’re staring at a spreadsheet of expenses trying to factor gas vs. food, you’re in combat with a world that won’t let go of you. Calm is a privilege. All that said, it’s a healthy step if you can afford to take it.
I look in the mirror in the mornings and don’t know myself. It’s all I ever wanted, but I had to let go of all those feverish loves to get here.
Novel Count: 14,971
Currently Reading: Killing Commendatore, Haruki Murakami
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Whoever’s calm and sensible is insane!
Rumi
Livesay Writing 
Calm is a privilege – yes. Absolutely important to be aware of that truth and grateful for not having to choose food vs. gas (at the moment). But, I’d offer that it is also a privilege available to many who don’t choose to see it waiting for them. So, cheers to you for being aware of it, seeking it, and sitting with the strange difficulty of that letting-go space. And I love that you’re getting your writing work done in the midst of it, too. Or because of it. Either way…thanks for passing the inspiration along here.
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