Coffee Log, Year 2, Day 226

Hi.

Coffee:  Maxwell House Master Blend, Office Coffee

I had a bit of good whiskey. I was buying a bottle for a co-worker who’s getting promoted to a different branch, but when I picked up the first bottle it seemed unconscionable to leave it lonely so I bought another for myself. Knob Creek Bourbon, not the best I’ve had, but easily some of the better. It paired just perfect with my homemade thrown-together sandwich and cheap tortilla chips.

There was a long time of my life where drinking scared me. Maybe it still does, and I’m just more attracted to being scared. Up until 21 I hadn’t had a drop of liquor. You could say I was a stick in the mud. Really, I was trying to be perfect. I figured life was less about being free and happy than about a kind of measured asceticism. I guided my ideas on the hard hand of law.

I take my bourbon over ice. I like the way it changes as the melt goes down. The first sips are pungent, going to your head like a steam-cleaner. In the middle it starts to mellow. And in the end you’re drinking easy, palm trees, or Savannah moss. It’s a depressive experience, bringing you down, down, until your fingers and toes touch, until you see the soil under you, and know who’s dead and buried, which bones are family, and which bones your family put there. Melancholy like home movies. Antiquated, a VHS.

I saw someone break down today. I don’t know what caused it, I didn’t ask. ‘What’s wrong’ is a question for later. Instead, when we met eyes, while she was half-crying and hurrying to get her things together, rushing away from something intangible, I did my best to smile at her. Hell if I know if she noticed, or if she appreciated it. But it was the best thing I could think to do at the time.

There’s only air the glass now. I’ve gone and done it, drunk the whole shot.

Here’s what I’d say to my younger self: sometimes people cry and you’ll have no clue what they’re crying about. Other times, you’ll see the circuitry pumping out societal problems at an alarming pace. I wish life had a beautiful order, but it doesn’t. The beauty hides in the creases.

Currently Reading: Queen, Suzanne Crain Miller

Support Relief for Family Suffering at the Border  – RAICES DONATION CAMPAIGN

Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.

Frank Herbert, Dune

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