Coffee Log, Day 165

Hi.

Coffee: Fair Trade Five County Espresso Blend, Trader Joe’s Brand

I woke up at 4:45 am. The light outside my window had gotten brighter, or at least it seemed so. I tried to go back to sleep but the day had me already. I lay in bed for an hour. I got up and brewed coffee like I always do. It was still dark. It was still-dark. I saw the lights my roommates had left on, the empty cups on the dining table. I watched dawn fighting with itself over the pine trees. Eventually, the coffee got hot enough for me to pour some. I was still in my underwear, damn close to naked, vulnerable.

When I put the white shirt on I thought there was lint inside. I reached in, grabbed it, and took it out. But the lint was softer than it should be, a little cool, and bits came off like dried sweat. My blood shot. I threw something on the carpet and took the shirt off. My hands were shaking, lips a desert, I padded in white sock circles until I calmed down. Finally, I turned the overheads on. I crept toward the closet on hands and knees. There was lint there, fuzz there, everything bushy and brown, and then I saw the spider.

Your body is a mottled thing like that cats that come visit me some mornings. Your head is tucked, legs balled, abdomen split where I bit you with my sharp fingers. You were dead, of course, but some of you was still moving, bio-electric magic, shocks god gave to salt-mud a billion years ago. I took some white tissue and lifted you like a flower petal. You could have been a dancer. You could have weaved webs through my dark-bare closet. You are the first thing I’ve killed knowingly since I stopped eating animals. I didn’t mean to kill you, but your yellow-sweat blood has my blame.

Sorry spider. I guess there wasn’t room for the both of us.

Currently Reading: LaRose, Louise Erdrich; I’m liking this more. I’ve been reading slow, a few pages here and there. It’s definitely contemporary literature, but the characters are grabbing me. Two sisters giving vocab lessons in a perfume parlor. A balding dumpster thief.

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“In general, a common house spider is harmless to humans. However, the mere sight of a spider is enough to startle most people and cause unease. Their messy webs also create the need for extra cleaning.” – Ad on the Orkin Website for Spider Removal

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